Incremental Times
On Keeping Going & Getting Through It
You ever have a dream that’s just so nice, you don’t want to open your eyes when it’s morning and you know its over but you just want to hold on to the feeling a little bit longer? I woke up to one of them this morning, and I didn’t open my eyes til I made it to the kitchen and actually had to wake up and smell the coffee.
What was I dreaming, I hear you all clamouring, because apparently we all love to hear each other’s dreams…..well, I was just right where I was meant to be, in the middle of a stage, doing a good gig, playing guitar beautifully and effortlessly, singing like a demon/angel/Bob Dylan acolyte, in a great sparkling outfit, to a warm, receptive crowd hanging off my every word. Everything was plugged in correctly, I knew all my words and the lights were magic. I belonged, my songs meant something and all was right with the world.
I tell you this because I have dreams that are the absolute opposite of this all the time. I’m at the wrong gig, with no instrument, no underwear, nobody likes me, my shoes are broken, my strings are broken, my fellow musicians are sneering at me, or just completely ignoring me when I say hello, I’m setting things on fire, blowing up amps, falling over onstage, tangled in leads, can’t work my gear, the audience are booing me or actively rolling their eyes or walking away while I’m playing… you know all the fun stuff. Work dreams. Fear dreams.
When I used to waitress I would dream I was taking the wrong order to the wrong table, I was falling over and plates were flying, everyone was yelling at me, oh wait that wasn’t a dream… anyway, I think dreaming that everything is going wrong is natural and healthy even if it isn’t any fun. Because sometimes in life everything does go wrong, and you just have to wallow your way through the sodden hell-mire and get through it, and dreams are maybe just little lessons in that.
I’m having trouble thinking of much else this week because a dear friend is going through the most intense and terrifying medical hurdles and I feel so worried for her and her family and keep meditating on the idea of time, and our ability to move through it even when we are anchored to an awful reality.
When we are in the midst of these times, I find sometimes it’s helpful to zoom right out and slow time down in your mind and try to see yourself and your world as a tiny part of a larger microcosm. Change always happens, just sometimes it’s so slow we can’t even see or feel it. Its incremental. But there is movement, even if its in unexpected directions, and you can only see the trajectory when you finally get the chance to look back from the other end of it.
Last night I saw my cousin for the first time in many years and he reminded me that when I was little, I used to climb on top of these goal cages on the oval and pretend I was on a stage singing. I had forgotten it but now I remember the feeling. I guess I was manifesting, as the kids say. And I eventually manifested it right into existence! That’s my main gig, my raison d’être, the love of my life.
I will be getting back to manifesting some of that feeling back soon-ish, but right now, the way things work, is I need to spend some time planting seeds and toiling the soil before I get to pick the flowers. It’s quiet, heads down, do the work time. I’ll get there. We all get there, or somewhere, in the end.
This morning I found myself thinking about the times back when Twitter was a big thing and people would be on there all day wittily snarking about their bus rides and their lunch and their boss and stupid shit other people said, and Sia used to just tweet this one thing; ‘I love you. Keep going’, and the Twitterers would lose their minds, and honestly I thought it was a bit silly, until one day I saw her tweet ‘I love you. Keep going’ when I obviously needed to be reminded of that and it made me feel deeply emotional and a bit blubbery.
So today, though I’m not usually one to be so earnest, I’m making an exception and saying; whatever it is you’re manifesting or making your way through, I love you, keep going.
Here’s a playlist about time in its many manifestations for you, there’s hits’n’misses’n’memories’n’milestones by such wonderful artists as Doris Troy, The Rolling Stones, Robyn Hitchcock, MJ Lenderman, Margo Price, Nick Drake, The Delfonics, Just Townes Earle, Oscar Peterson, Kris Kristofferson, Arthur Russell, Big Thief, Donnie & Joe Emerson, Angel Olsen and many more.
Play it loud. Cry if you must. Shake a tail feather. Remember time keeps moving, and so do you.
Til the next time,
Lo x
Vulnerability and imagination fill my head at night, the every thing is broken narrative I've experienced. It seems to me fear is the foundation of growth, this week as I wait for my heart procedure I see how tenuous my little toehold is on life's shore.
Keep dreaming, but keep loved ones close.
I love you too🩷Keep going🩷